A bright and immediate flash of white.
‘No, no, but seriously, would you rather find out you have a day or a
year to live?’ I’m washing my face. Wait, what? Where am I? I stop the rusty old faucet and stare at the grimy
mirror above. Jesus Christ, what happened to me? There’s vomit all over me – wait, wait, what is this
place?
I look around at the pale, cracked walls, with random scribbles on them – call 9900780311 for fun,
J&S forever, your usual run-of-the-mill bullshit. Ah – I’m in a public restroom. The smell should’ve told
me. And right as I realize that, the full extent of the smell hits me – shit, I need to get out of here (pun
intended). The watchman sitting outside is saying something. It seems to be positive.
‘Thank you, saab.’
I
stumble a little as I try to focus on this guy’s face.
‘Sir? Are you okay?’ He stands up, apparently to
support me.
‘Hey, hey, woah, I’m fine.’
I’m not though, at least that’s what my feet are telling me. It
takes all of my will which, to be honest, isn’t saying much – to walk 5 steps without falling.
‘Come on,
obviously a year.’
‘No, no, you haven’t thought about this as I have though.’
Ok, this is me talking to Naveen, that sketchy guy from work. Yeah, this happened earlier in the
evening.
‘Why have you thought about this though?’ Naveen slurs through his alcohol-stained breath, taking
what must be at least his 523rd swig from what must be at least his 46th bottle. Even in the lounge, it’s tough
for me to make out his words through the loud foggy noise of the club.
‘Yeah, I have cancer. Doctors give me
a year to live.’
Naveen looks at me, very serious for all of one second. The gentleman that he is, starts
laughing immediately after his one second of deliberation, in the process spitting on me pretty
generously.
‘Jesus, that’s disgusting. Get a grip on yourself, man.’
‘I just can’t believe that you almost
got me for a second there.’
‘Yeah, fine, I don’t have cancer or anything. But still, I kinda just wanna – I
don’t know, let go, I guess.’
‘More than you have already? I’ve never seen you let yourself go this much
granted, I don’t really know you that well.’
Yeah, I guess I’d forgotten that I was on my second or third
bottle too.
‘Okay, I’m pretty uh, crapfaced, so-’
Naveen bursts into typically outrageous
laughter.
‘You have to know that that’s not the word, right?’
‘What?’
‘Never mind, continue, good
sir.’
His condescension bothered me, but I needed him. Wait, what, why did I need him?
‘Point being, I
feel like shit, so I need something that will, you know, pull me up again.’
‘Well, what exactly are you
looking for, ma-’
‘Look, you’ve figured out by now I don’t know too much about this stuff. So just give me
anything that-’
Darkness. No wait, my eyes are closed. Something’s shaking me. God, I hope it’s not a
rat.
‘Sir? Sir? Are you okay?’
Nope, it’s the guy from earlier. I somehow haul myself up and dust off –
only to remember that I looked and smelled like I bathed in filth so there was no real point.
‘Yeah, sorry,
I’m fine.’ I was trying to figure out why this guy hadn’t just run off with my wallet when it hit me – I’d just
given him 2000 rupees to use the public restroom. Ah.
I turned around to see smoke emerging from somewhere
nearby. Oh no, no, no, no
I’m driving. Crying. Or laughing? Hard to say. Anyway, there’s not too much traffic, it’s too late at night. I
get my phone out to call Kavya – oh god, what’s Kavya gonna say when she sees me like this?
Oh, never mind.
‘Veer? What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you home yet?’
‘Kavya, I was just, uh, this is insane timing.’ I
flip through the glove compartment and find that beautifully scary box – with her initials on them. I’d had it
for a couple of weeks now but was still too chicken to ask. I hold it in my hand and just look – just look at
it- wondering how something so small could be something so significant.
Upon hearing my crying (laughing?)
voice, Kavya’s angry tone immediately melts.
‘Hey, V? Where are you, are you ok?’
‘I – uh – you know, it’s
actually not a great time to answer that question.’ I start laughing at my own sick joke as I slide the box into
my pocket.
‘I – I was just thinking, I want what’s best, you know? Not the longest. Not the saddest. The
best. You get that, right, Kavi?’
‘Veer. Come home.’
‘Bye, Kavi.’ I cut the phone.
I reach into my
pocket, and all I can come up with is a bunch of empty packets. Finally, I find one that isn’t. I dump all of
the white powder out on my hand. My face seems to be getting curiously close to it-
‘Okay, now make sure not
to take more than 2 of these things together. That’ll screw up your heart or something, I don’t know the exact
details, but you get the poi-’
‘Yeah thanks’, I blurt out and quickly grab the handful of packets that Naveen
was not so discreetly handing to me.
‘And, it’s uh, how much?’, I ask nervously, shuffling through the newly
withdrawn notes in my wallet.
Ok, uh, keep going. Yeah, that’s enough.’ He takes the cash from me, again
being far more obvious than I had wanted. He seems pretty happy. It’s very possible he just ripped me off. I’d
have no way of knowing.
‘I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect that I’d be getting a call from you today.
Especially a call about something like this. I usually have a radar for these kinds of things, and you didn’t
strike me as someone who’d potentially be a customer.’ I just looked at him, buzzed enough not to know what my
expression was. What reply could I give to something like that?
He didn’t care enough to probe further.
He started to get up.
‘Well, anyway, pleasure doing business with you.’
Just as he started
walking out, Naveen stopped for one final question. ‘Hey, uh, what’s your
answer?’
‘What?’
‘Would you rather find out you have to live for a year or a day?’ I
hesitated for a moment or two before responding.
‘Let’s say you have a year. You go home, tell your
loved ones, eventually your coworkers, and at some point your illness or whatever becomes the news of the day
for some people you met once at an office party. You get your affairs in order, make peace with everyone, maybe
even eke out a happy moment or two cloaked by a shadow of sadness, and wait for the day to come when you
eventually croak, in a hospital bed, your loved ones gathered round.’ Naveen looks at me, almost smirking as he
asks me:
‘And if you have a day?’
‘You could decide to say a big old fuck you to everything and have
one crazy night where you go out in a blaze of something. Probably not glory, but at least there’s a blaze.’
And a blaze there is. The smoke isn’t indicative of a fire, so I should be okay in that aspect. Luckily the car
just hit a tree; an electrical pole or something could’ve really screwed things up. Jesus, what was I thinking?
I could’ve easily killed someone. And I don’t even have a driver to blame it on. Once again, I proceed to laugh
at a joke I made. Didn’t even say this one out loud. Kavya would’ve loved it though. She always loved my jokes.
It dawns on me that I probably have cracked ribs. I can’t feel too much pain, but I can see just the slightest
tinge of red on my shirt. Airbags work, but they hurt like a bitch. The guy from the bathroom is still bugging
me. Does he want more money? ‘Sir? Should I call a cab home for you?’
‘Hey, how many times do
I have to tell you, I’m-’
The purest stream of vomit emerges from my mouth. The guy jumped out just in
time so it wouldn’t hit him. It looked pretty funny actually, I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t gonna hit the
footpath in a se
The doctor walked in as I sat waiting in his office, feeling far more nervous now than
I had been when I first came here yesterday.
He walked in with the air of a person who was here to
deliver bad news. It seemed like he was doing it on purpose, to stop me from having any false hopes. He took out
the scans and talked to me while pointing to some spots on them, explaining some things – I barely paid any
attention. I don’t even know if he said the c word or not, though I’m pretty sure he did. I was thinking about
what everyone’s reaction would be – Mom and Dad, people at work, and Kavya – damn it, I’d have to tell Kavya
too. I suddenly realised he’d stopped talking. ‘So, uh, treatments?’, in the situation I couldn’t articulate
myself much better than that.
‘There are some experimental methods we can try out, but to be frank
their success rates aren’t very promising.’
That I wasn’t ready to hear. I felt this massive knot in my
chest – which in an incredibly sick way, is funny, because the chest pains are why I’d come here in the first
place.
‘Oh, ok’, I croaked out, after a solid 10 seconds of silence. I say croaked because I’m pretty
sure that’s how my voice sounded- you know, how you sound when you’re trying not to cry?
‘So, uh, how long is
the usual- uh, expected-’
The doctor graciously interrupted me so I wouldn’t have to finish my
incredibly obvious and also incredibly awkward question.
‘Well, if you come in regularly, take your
medicine, make a few dietary and lifestyle changes, a year is definitely within reach.’
Oh, god. This
is the kind of scenario people have nightmares about, isn’t it? I begged myself to wake up, but all I felt was
some moistness on my cheeks. ‘Veer, take your time, this isn’t news anyone should have to – just be back here
tomorrow before noon, ok? We’ll figure out how to proceed from there.’ I know that I walked out, went and sat in
my car, honked at least a couple of times while still parked, and cried a whole bunch, but I really don’t
remember anything specific until the phone call.
My eyes are adjusting to the brightness above me – a couple of guys in white coats are pushing me on my surprisingly soft bed through a hallway with a ridiculous number of lights on the ceiling. The bathroom guy had the decency to get me to a hospital, huh? Shame I didn’t get his name. Would’ve been nice to meet one last new person.
I stare at the phone as it waits for Kavya to pick up. I just have to talk to someone about this news;
I can’t keep crying in my car.
‘Yeah Veer what happened?’
I sob noiselessly as I try to
compose myself to any degree I can before I answer. I can’t help but think how this conversation will go – an
awkward phase where Kavya isn’t sure if this is real or a lie, then eventually she starts crying, probably in a
not very private place, then we head home and cry some more – I didn’t want that.
I tried to think of
something to say to her, but I came up blank. All I could do is stare at my glove compartment.
Now I seem to be in an operation room – clearly, this isn’t going very well, they’re all panicky and oh- I
don’t think they expected me to be awake for this, someone’s putting a mask over my fa-
‘Hello?
Veer?’
Of course, I had to tell her that I was going to propose. No way I could hide that for more than
a week, and then she’d probably say yes, and that we were going to fight through this, but for her it would
probably just mean a year of sadness and concern, followed by a year of sadness and helplessness. ‘Veer, you’ve
got to stop butt-dialling me.’ She cut the call.
I love how she chose to say that I’d been
butt-dialling her. Clearly, she thought that I wasn’t on the call, which means she only did it for herself. God,
I’ll miss her.
I make another phone call.
‘Hey, Naveen?’
I’m back to the world of the conscious, and for some reason, I don’t feel anything. No pain at all. I don’t
think that’s a good sign. My right hand’s connected to a myriad of wires, but I somehow manage to get it in my
pants’ front pocket. I feel around and – yep, it’s still there. With my other hand, I tug at a nurse’s lab coat.
I’m fading now, I gotta do this fast. He turns and looks at me, confused, for a lot of reasons I’m guessing. I
take out the box with the ring and I don’t have the strength to give it to him but he notices it. I can barely
hear myself though I think I can get the words out.
‘Give to Kavya, and tell her – maybe next
time.’
I let go.
A bright and immediate flash of white.